For the record, ;-) are stupid. I guarantee you never actually wink...

You know what’s worse than the Booty Call?  The Emotional Booty Call…via text.  Now, many of you might not be familiar with what this is (and by familiar I mean have a guy do it to you) but, I’m sure most of you are guilty of it. The Emotional Booty Text (EBT) is when someone will text a fallback guy or girl solely for the sake of texting.  Variations include “Hey, what’s up”, “how’s your day going”, “I can’t wait to see you”, or, my personal favorite, the “good morning, sweetie” text that’s waiting for you when you wake up.

Now, I have to admit, whenever I’ve been in a slump, I’ll usually start texting some guy every once in a while just to keep me preoccupied, but my latest failed attempt at a boyfriend wins the gold medal for emotional booty texts.  After 4 months of being MIA (that’s a story in itself, and should have been a red flag), “Updater“ decides to call me out of the blue. Twice. Within an hour.  I later found out it was to invite me to some event because he missed me and hadn’t seen me in FOREVER.  He then proceeds to text me. Everyday. For two weeks. All the time.  I’ll admit that I fell for it at first. It was nice to get cute little texts again from a boy I was interested in (who actually spelled out words correctly and used punctuation). I liked opening my phone to see some variation of me being called pretty accompanied by an emoticon. (seriously, the ;-) gets me everytime) After a while though, the texts started becoming more like updates and were getting more and more boyfriend-y.  I would get texts like “I’m tanning now. I wish you were lying next to me” or “I’m going shopping” or the MULTIPLE “Come to where I am on vacation right now” texts. 

The other night, I get the courage (read: make poor decisions while drinking) to text Updater, who by the way doesn’t even go to my school, to see why he decided to start texting me of all girls suddenly, out of the blue.  He informed me that no girl at his school was like me because I was really nice and cute and he wanted to see where things went. AWWW. He DID like me. Oh, wait, bullshit. He hadn’t spoken to me in 4 months. Try again. He went on to tell me that He really liked me. So, luckily, I DO get a little more ballsy when I’m drinking and called him out on it saying he didn’t know a thing about me and he pulled the “True, but I want to know more” card. Which I fell for. The next day, I asked Ivy what she thought about Updater. She said he was insincere. So then as the EBTs continued, I realized that I was like, the replacement girlfriend. He didn’t need to get any (he’s hot, he probably already was) but he needed to have some quasi-emotional thing going on- even if it was only through text.

So, how do you know if you’re a victim of the EBT and the guy’s really not sincere.  Well, if you’re me, you’re writing this blog as you wait for the guy to come hang out with you like he suggested in the first place.  Really though, if a guy says “I can’t wait to see you” guess what, unless he actually comes to see you, he can, in fact, wait.  If nothing happens outside of texting, or facebook, or any other form of technology, they’re just EBTs.  And really, that’s pretty much like you’re going back to the junior high days when you’d go in the “Kids Only” Chatrooms on AOL and talk to some guy across the country…oh wait…maybe that was only me and my friends….

I’ve decided that this is the more dangerous form of the booty call. At least with a Booty Call, you have the option to get something out of it. But with the EBT, you become accustomed to having someone to constantly tell how your day was, get cute comments from, and receive a never ending supply of various smiley faces. You don't get anything out of it other than the security of always having someone to "talk" to and this sucks, because lets face it, when you’re texting someone 425 times a day, you kind of expect something other than a huge phone bill to come from it.

Thank God I have Unlimited Texting

Ally 

And men think WE'RE oblivious.

This week involved me having to resort to disgustingly blunt measures to weed away the male suitors (I use this term...loosely at best) who will NOT SHUT UP. I have tried being unresponsive, flat out rude, telling them I was not looking for anything, saying we should be just friends, and so on and so forth...I busted out every line in my rejection arsenal. Now before you think I am greedy and turning away lovely gentleman, allow me to assure you that both of these guys suck, in new and fantastic ways.

Got booty call text from Booty Caller Thursday night. I have yet to give him any booty, so I do not know why I have become his main resource. I had to put an end to it. Midnight rolled around (on the DOT! this is becoming ridiculous) and I got the, "Hey I'm in the area, what's up?" OF COURSE you are in the area. You live in Lincoln Park. I live 15 minutes away. You are always, every night, about 15 minutes away from the area. This is not a special occasion.

I responded, "I'm sorry. We want different things. For example, I'd like someone capable of contacting me before midnight."

No response. The Booty Caller has been silenced. I will remember him always as the one who got away.

Boy 2. Boy who, while we were dating in November, left me. For a Reverend. No I'm not kidding, he left me for a chick reverend, which is a huge slap in the face because I am agnostic. Well after their beautiful 3 week long relationship, he decided that he missed me so bad, and he made a mistake. Apparently he thinks I'm a 13 year old Jonas brothers fan. I called shennanigans...I don't wanna see Reverend Lover ever again. Yet he texts me pretty much every other day asking if I'd like to go out with him. These have been my various (and I swear, true) responses:

"We already had our chance"
"I don't want to see you."
"We could be friends, nothing more."
"I don't want to see you."
"I'm way too busy to hang out with you, ever."
"...I don't want to see you."

And each time, he texts me that he misses me and asks when he can see me...as though those responses didn't exist. He pulled the, "but don't you miss spending time with me?" card. I finally had to be blunt: "There is absolutely nothing between us. I have said this. We have no connection, at all."

Cold. Harsh. To the point. Like pulling off a band-aid, or sleeping with your professor; it's just better to get it done quickly.

Teaching the oblivious a lesson,

Ivy

Add it up and basically, people never change

So the whole world knows that this semester I had my heart torn into approximately 850 pieces by the greatest (and CUTEST) mindfucker to be unleashed upon mankind. MF (which stands for mindfucker, but by the way, could stand for something else in describing him) emotionally abused me with a smile, all the while somehow convincing me he had done nothing out of the ordinary. Genius. At any rate, what's done is done, and I've moved on to gaining 10 lbs and he's moved on to fucking half of Chicago...and one of my friends.

I ran into said friend at the library (okay, the bar, shut up) last night. Now I'm an adult, so I can admit that I think she is a lousy bitch and someone should kidnap her, tape her eyes open, and force her to watch Lifetime for 48 straight hours until she learns the meaning of female solidarity. (Chicks before dicks!...unless he's particularly smart or attractive). Now the first thing Good Friend says to me is,

"Why didn't you warn me that MF is a DOUCHEBAG?"

And it's true. I didn't say a word...I found out they were dating, and I didn't try to stop it. I didn't say "Hey. Seriously, I KNOW he has a smile that would make Adolf Hitler giggle like a schoolgirl...but in my humble experience, he is going to cheat on you with 5 different women, and then somehow get you to blame yourself." I racked my brain for an excuse, and finally told her I respected her enough to know she'd come to the conclusion on her own.

But that's not true, considering I currently don't respect her at all. The real answer is: For some reason unbeknown to myself, I honestly thought he would treat her amazingly. Seriously, for some reason I had it in my head that MF was only a mindfucker (motherfucker) to me specifically, and that the next woman he was with would get nothing but honesty, kisses, affection, and a Harry Winston engagement ring. When the truth is...he used to be a jackass, he currently is a jackass, and he will probably continue to be a jackass even on his deathbed.

At the root of this is a bigger problem (It's always a bigger problem. Life is a series of big fucking problems wrapped within each other). Even though he was the one to fuck up badly, I blamed myself. And we always do this...for some reason, all women (hey and men!) have this insane belief that if we were good enough, Cheaters and Assholes alike would give up their evil ways and smother us with love and eskimo kisses. But it's not true! Some people are just mean. Independent of how sexy or clever or amazing at blowjobs you are, some people are just selfish, and rude, and mean.

This may sound depressing, but it's NOT! It is amazingly uplifting...it means that you don't have to worry about your horribly cruel exes being really happy with their lives right now. They aren't happy. Because they will drag the some bullshit and emotional garbage into all of their relationships, forever and ever. I can only hope that Good Friend comes to her senses and dumps him, though part of me is glad her ignorance of female solidarity has taught her an important lesson: If 50% of his exes became suicidal, and the other 50% became homicidal, statistics are just not in your favor.

I am so happy you will always suck,

Ivy

This could be one of the reasons I'm single....

Last night after finishing three wonderful renditions of Torn, Summer Nights, and Piano Man at Karaoke I went to a friend's place for his Birthday and what I was told was a "dance party".

I get there and my two friends who live at the apartment are passed out/very near passing out. There was one other person there that I didn't know, so being the friendly person that I am, I go up and introduce myself.

His Response: I already know. We went on a date about a year ago. Remember?

I instantly remembered said date, but still have no idea what his name is.

FML,

Ally

E for effort

Booty Caller is such a relentless, well...Booty Caller that it has become hilarious. I would like to include a brief analysis of our correspondance from this weekend:

Friday:

11:07 pm- "What's up?" Yes. I bet you really want to know how my day went. And you want to know right now, at 11, through text message. Needless to say, I simply didn't respond. I bet the suspense was killing him. How was he to find out what was up? HOW?!

12:53 am- "I have nothing to do let's meet up." Oh, okay. Yeah, let's meet up! What did you have in mind? I know a really great sushi place off Rush. Too bad it closed 3 hours ago. Oh, plan B! Let's go back to my apartment and have sex... sounds good! Okay so my actual response was more along the lines of, "I'm out right now." Short and to the point, though not as deliciously dripping with sarcasm.

2:14 am- "So you don't want to meet up? It would be fun..." Fun, you say? Well I could never say no to fun, you got me, I am a sucker for fun! Oh...are you going to bring Scrabble?! You sly dog, you!

Saturday:

1 am- "What's up." Man, improper punctuation this time. Now I can't even tell if it is a question, or he is informing me that what is up. I responded "Busy."

1:27 am- "We should meet up." Good suggestion! It's also new and fresh, it is not as though you have been suggesting this past midnight every single night since I gave you my number, you moron. Listen, I said no the past 7 other times you've booty called me. Do you even HAVE other people to booty call? What kind of serial booty caller doesn't keep some sort of rotation going? What a novice...

Conclusion- Booty calls are a jackass move...if the person is actually responding to them. Otherwise they just make you look weird and pathetic. In our week of texting, Booty Caller has only been making the same three statements, "What's up" "Let's meet up" "It would be fun" For Christ's sake, I feel like I'm getting text bombarded by Smarterchild. Think up some new material.

I will sleep with you when you ask before 9 pm,

Ivy

They're not even TRYING to hide it anymore!

I remember a golden age. An age where men would take you out, buy you dinner, send flowers, call to see how you were doing...all in an attempts to get laid. Come on, we're not stupid. We know that ultimately 90% of all sweet actions are to get laid, and the other 10% are for blowjobs. Okay, maybe it's not that bad...but let's be honest, it's CLOSE. Does that sound seedy? Reading over this now, I guess it does sound a little depressing to admit that the larger purpose of courtship is to get to my goodies. What's more depressing, though, is that it's not even the norm anymore. Think of the last time you've been on a REAL date... going to a 24 hour diner after meeting at the bar does not count, by the way. Are you stunned? Read on, sweetheart.

This latest rant stems from a guy I gave my number to last Saturday. Since then, Booty Caller has texted me on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. All after 9. All asking what I was doing specifically that night. Those two factors alone are enough to qualify his genuine concern as to "whats up" as booty texts. Now I understand that 80% of college aged males only want to get laid, and to be honest, I am fine with that. But where did the effort go? Really, he can't make the effort to text me in the afternoon to try and get me in the sack? He can't ask a day earlier to make it seem like he's not a huge tool? There is no effort to disguise it...

And why? Because it is normal. Do you remember when booty calls used to be kind of gross? I remember back in the day when someone could be looked down upon for being the kind of guy who sent texts post 11 pm, inquiring the all important question, "Whatre u up 2?" I'm starting to realize that is what MOST GUYS DO though! It has come to the point where I am literally stunned if a man asks to see me to actually spend time together, coherently, in the daytime. Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought my peak level of wit and intellect occured while I was coherent and in the day time! I never thought I was that interesting after 4 shots of Jack, slurring the words to "Hey Mickey" (Great song, by the way, just listen to the pain and angst in those lyrics).

The habit is ingrained. I tried to break him of it, I did...by rejecting his booty calls. But they kept coming. And that does not make me an idiot, it makes him an idiot. Because for some reason he thinks his strategy of trying to drunkenly pressure me into hanging out with him while I'm already having a blast with my friends will work. Does he not realize I am not sitting at home waiting for said booty call? No, Booty Caller, I do not want to "meet up." I am out. I made plans. And I do not intend on changing them so you can drunkenly slobber all over me, wake up, leave, and continue this process. Try asking me out for coffee, kid.

Ignoring what was probably a mass text anyways,

Ivy

THANK GOD! I thought it only happened to me...

I haven't been in the bloggy mood lately do to reasons that are surprisingly not boy related.

Having said that, this isn't going to be a long post.

I just wanted to say how HAPPY I am to find out that I'm not the only one that guys in relationships hit on.  After like, 10 guys with girlfriends hit on/make out with/pursue/or actually take you out, you begin to worry.  Actually. Wait, no. Now I'm MORE worried.  How many guys actually hit on girls when they're already in relationships?

As Ivy said, it's not fair.  I want someone that I can go home with and cuddle with. aka. NOT SOMEONE WHO'S IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.  

But why is it that I seem to attract two types of guys: men older than my father. and guys with girlfriends.  My guy friends tell me that at least for the guys with sig. others, it's because I'm cute and flirtatious and they miss being single.  Well, guess what. They're not. so they need to stop acting like it.  

This is the end of my post because it's a touchy subject and it makes me bitter.

ally