I came into college a wide eyed, boy crazy freshman. I'm leaving college...a wide eyed, boy crazy senior (give or take a few more gray hairs). To make myself feel better, I'm just going to go ahead and believe that I'm currently better at dating than I was back then. If a time machine is ever invented, I'd like to go back to my first college party and hand myself this list (although I was probably fetal positioned on the bathroom floor of a frat house, and thus unable to read):
1.) The hands down, best place to meet guys in bands is introductory level music classes. You see, every guy in some sort of crappy band mistakenly believes that one semester of Music Theory will catapult his talents beyond those of Dave Grohl (Shut up, Dave Grohl is really good at like...EVERYTHING). However, half way through the semester they will become frustrated at their inability to distinguish a c minor chord from their left testicle... or they will become frustrated that they are being forced to study Tchaikovsky and not the works of Elliot Smith. But if you are looking to snag a cute drummer, this is where they are.
2.) Clubs are not a good place to meet boys. The only thing actually attractive and socially functioning men join are sports and frats. You are not allowed to join these things. You will not find cute, heterosexual men in volunteer organizations, book clubs, lit magazines, Model UN, political groups, or knitting circles. Attractive people don't care about social issues. The one exception to this rule is environmental clubs; these are seething with attractive hipster boys, because they have been told that going green is an important issue. However, be prepared to have all of your dates consist of pointless statistics on greenhouse gases and tasteless vegan meals.
3.) If you meet a guy at the bar and spend the whole night talking and NOT hooking up, this does not necessarily mean you have formed a real connection. He is likely very annoyed by how much you have been talking, but is either too much of a gentleman or too much of a pussy to tell you that he would like you to shut up and go down on him already.
4.) If your first date is a sushi date, he is a jackass. Jackasses use sushi dates in order seem interesting and exotic, but seeing as sushi is now so popular amongst youngfolk that it is available in dining halls, it is neither interesting nor exotic. Also, sushi dates conveniently cost a lot of money, making you feel like you're supposed to be putting out.
5.) If you give a guy your number, and he texts you every day for a week straight but does not actually ask you to hang out, all he is doing is seeing if you'll respond. So stop responding.
6.) Facebook is not a good way to develop an infatuation with someone. They have likely only read 3 of the books they've listed as favorites, and probably only know three songs by most of the artists they've listed. So while it says he loves Bob Dylan and James Joyce, he more likely loves Chad Kroeger and Dan Brown. Also, no one is nearly as fun as they appear to be in all 1,765 of their pictures. Or as attractive.
7.) If someone of the opposite sex friend requests you, and you have not actually ever spoken to them, they are creepy and trying to bank on the fact that the internet has become an acceptable form of stalking.
8.) If someone of the opposite sex friend requests you, they want to do you. If they write on your wall, they might actually like you. A private message means they could see themselves marrying you one day.
9.) Study abroad students are sexy people with accents who are fun for a one time make out. Do not fantasize about a torrid affair or long distance relationship with them. They are only sexy people with accents who are fun for a one time make out.
10.) Group dates are annoying, and people only initiate them because they like to feel like they're not the only ones who don't get to go out and pound 18 shots of tequila on Saturday nights.
11.) Every Thursday through Saturday night is like Valentine's Day for single people; people buy you shit, tell you that you're beautiful, and sex is plentiful.
12.) If a guy is dating many people at once, it's because he needs to stick his penis into many people. If a girl is dating many people at once, it's because she needs to be told she is pretty by many people.
13.) No matter how much anyone tells you that they are sick of playing games, they are not sick of playing games. If you are an honest and straightforward human being towards them, they will immediately tire of you and move onto the next person who fucks with their heads. What they really mean is that they are sick of not winning at games.
14.) You may think you want to date an older guy, but you probably don't. It may be dreamy and sexy the first time you wake up next to each other and he puts on a suit to go to work, but you will be immediately turned off when you take him to a party and he turns to you and asks, "...what's beer pong?"
15.) Speaking of beer pong, if two girls play beer pong against two guys, at least one boy/girl pair will hook up. This is because both sides have just consumed copious amounts of beer, and the girl team has likely been lifting up their shirts the whole time as a form of distraction, resulting in a semi-boner from the boy team.
16.) You're considered "dating" someone after the 4th date. Alternatively, you're considered "dating" after one real date and 10 half ass dates where you just talk for half an hour then hook up in your dorm room.
17.) You don't need to dress up to go to the library, because you are never, ever going to find a boyfriend at the library. Everyone is busy studying, and even if they are checking you out...they are not going to hit on you. Do you even realize how awkward that would be? Wear sweatpants.
18.) Most (I say MOST) girls don't like sports, and most guys don't really like Gossip Girl. This is just a thing people say to seem different and in tune with the opposite sex. For girls, it is also an excuse to wear slutty tied up jerseys and booty shorts.
19.) If he still makes out with you after you've thrown up, he's either so in love with you that even your vomit is appealing to the senses, or a bottom feeder. 9 times out of 10, it's the latter.
20.) No matter how much you think you know about dating, and no matter how realistic you think you've become...there's always going to be someone who comes along and makes you forget every damned thing you've learned. You will turn to an idiot and allow him to treat you like crap. You will also think it's okay that he forgets your major every time you speak, or doesn't respond to texts before 10 pm. Because he is dreamy.
