Throughout college, I had a multitude of various guy friends ranging from the friend I've known since I was 4 to those "friends" that I hung out with on weekends. There was always one friend, though, that everyone said I would end up with. Sure we were close and argued like an old couple, and yea, he hated everyone I dated and if we went out to eat with our friends we'd feed each other, but that was just how we were. I didn't like him, and despite what many (now) exs thought, nothing was going on between us. For Pete's sake I hooked him up with friends of mine. After a while I got used to the "Are you two dating?" comments which were eventually replaced with the "OMG you two should TOOOOTALLLYYYY date! That would be SO cute!" At first it was ridiculous to hear that. Then funny. Then, two years later, it was just annoying.
Well, what everyone but me thought was inevitable, actually was. Long story short, in the last few months, this BFF and I have had a few sleepovers and I've gotten some presents (read: jewelry and a stuffed animal).
I really don't do the whole "get involved with friends" thing due to a botched relationship/friendship from high school so I was REALLY hesitant about this. That, and the fact that BFF has hooked up with like, 4 of my closest friends over the years. People's pasts are scary enough, but think about what it's like when his past drunken nights were with one of your really hot, fun friends who everyone wants. Yea. Hate my life.
Anyway, I have thought long and hard about where things should go, where I think they're going, what he wants, why he wants it, why now, what's the point if we're graduating, and most importantly, what I want. Well, apparently, I'm MUCH better at coming up with hypothetical answers for BFF and suck at figuring out what I want. Part of me wants something more, part of me doesn't and I can't for the life of me figure out which part to listen to.
My friends don't help at all either. Most of them are so excited at the thought of BFF becoming my BF so when I say "I dunno...kissing him was kinda....weird....not like it was bad, but just, not normal" they dismiss it saying that it's just something I have to overcome and get used to while my other friends (OK fine, just Ivy) quoted the most relevant source: Friends. She reminded me that when Monica and Chandler got together, they said that it just felt right. Well, yea, this didn't really. But lets be honest, do I ever listen to Ivy? Nope. So I let things continue. Which was dumb.
I've been writing this post for about 3 weeks now. I've been replaying every conversation and little thing in my head driving myself crazy trying to figure out what he wants (instead of, you know, just talking to him. Why? Because I'm a girl and talking about important things scares me). The whole time I was writing this post I kept going back and forth on what to think about this whole thing and low and behold, I agree with Ivy. Nothing is meant to develop between us. If it were, he would be trying harder to actually date me- not text me after 1 am on a Wednesday because he's bored.
Honestly, if it were ANY other guy, I would have written him off as a total D-bag booty texter a LOOOONG time ago. But I didn't because we were friends. I let the fact that we had some form of strong relationship get in the way of my better judgement, but really, that should have led me to think this way in the first place. As my friend, he's tried to protect me (read: yell at me multiple times) from jerks who would pull this same shit. He would get mad that I would be dumb enough to think that these guys actually wanted a deep emotional connection when they texted at 1 am and I never listened to him even though I knew he was right. So in my head, I thought he couldn't do the same thing to me knowing how many times it's happened. But he did. And yea, MAYBE he has some feelings that go a little deeper, but that's still not enough. He always told me that I needed to hold out for a guy that would treat me with respect and want to be with me no matter what. I thought for a little while that it was him. It wasn't. He's a good friend for me, but that's it.
Sometimes you get so comfortable with an opposite sex friend that the lines get a little blurred and it's hard to tell what's going on which eventually leads you to question what you want. Yes, you enjoy spending time together and play a huge role in each other's lives, but most of that time, the role you're supposed to play is just the friend. Not everyone is meant to end up with their BF. From now on, I'm disregarding everything my friends tell me are "signs" that BF is in love with me. Sure, he's hated all my guys I bring home, but so have all my female friends. Yea he's gotten me presents, but so have my female friends. Maybe we drunkenly made out, but so have... well, you get the point.
Wishing my life were more like "The Proposal" because Ryan Reynolds is HOT,
Ally
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