When Harry met Sally they doomed us all...

While I was in class a few weeks back, my Professor brought up an extremely important and relevant issue she felt strongly about. It was an issue that I had actually been debating the weekend before with a group of friends. We discussed whether guys and girls can strictly be platonic friends (I love the classes I take).

Throughout college, I had a multitude of various guy friends ranging from the friend I've known since I was 4 to those "friends" that I hung out with on weekends. There was always one friend, though, that everyone said I would end up with. Sure we were close and argued like an old couple, and yea, he hated everyone I dated and if we went out to eat with our friends we'd feed each other, but that was just how we were. I didn't like him, and despite what many (now) exs thought, nothing was going on between us. For Pete's sake I hooked him up with friends of mine. After a while I got used to the "Are you two dating?" comments which were eventually replaced with the "OMG you two should TOOOOTALLLYYYY date! That would be SO cute!" At first it was ridiculous to hear that. Then funny. Then, two years later, it was just annoying.

Well, what everyone but me thought was inevitable, actually was. Long story short, in the last few months, this BFF and I have had a few sleepovers and I've gotten some presents (read: jewelry and a stuffed animal).

I really don't do the whole "get involved with friends" thing due to a botched relationship/friendship from high school so I was REALLY hesitant about this. That, and the fact that BFF has hooked up with like, 4 of my closest friends over the years. People's pasts are scary enough, but think about what it's like when his past drunken nights were with one of your really hot, fun friends who everyone wants. Yea. Hate my life.

Anyway, I have thought long and hard about where things should go, where I think they're going, what he wants, why he wants it, why now, what's the point if we're graduating, and most importantly, what I want. Well, apparently, I'm MUCH better at coming up with hypothetical answers for BFF and suck at figuring out what I want. Part of me wants something more, part of me doesn't and I can't for the life of me figure out which part to listen to.

My friends don't help at all either. Most of them are so excited at the thought of BFF becoming my BF so when I say "I dunno...kissing him was kinda....weird....not like it was bad, but just, not normal" they dismiss it saying that it's just something I have to overcome and get used to while my other friends (OK fine, just Ivy) quoted the most relevant source: Friends. She reminded me that when Monica and Chandler got together, they said that it just felt right. Well, yea, this didn't really. But lets be honest, do I ever listen to Ivy? Nope. So I let things continue. Which was dumb.

I've been writing this post for about 3 weeks now. I've been replaying every conversation and little thing in my head driving myself crazy trying to figure out what he wants (instead of, you know, just talking to him. Why? Because I'm a girl and talking about important things scares me). The whole time I was writing this post I kept going back and forth on what to think about this whole thing and low and behold, I agree with Ivy. Nothing is meant to develop between us. If it were, he would be trying harder to actually date me- not text me after 1 am on a Wednesday because he's bored.

Honestly, if it were ANY other guy, I would have written him off as a total D-bag booty texter a LOOOONG time ago. But I didn't because we were friends. I let the fact that we had some form of strong relationship get in the way of my better judgement, but really, that should have led me to think this way in the first place. As my friend, he's tried to protect me (read: yell at me multiple times) from jerks who would pull this same shit. He would get mad that I would be dumb enough to think that these guys actually wanted a deep emotional connection when they texted at 1 am and I never listened to him even though I knew he was right. So in my head, I thought he couldn't do the same thing to me knowing how many times it's happened. But he did. And yea, MAYBE he has some feelings that go a little deeper, but that's still not enough. He always told me that I needed to hold out for a guy that would treat me with respect and want to be with me no matter what. I thought for a little while that it was him. It wasn't. He's a good friend for me, but that's it.

Sometimes you get so comfortable with an opposite sex friend that the lines get a little blurred and it's hard to tell what's going on which eventually leads you to question what you want. Yes, you enjoy spending time together and play a huge role in each other's lives, but most of that time, the role you're supposed to play is just the friend. Not everyone is meant to end up with their BF. From now on, I'm disregarding everything my friends tell me are "signs" that BF is in love with me. Sure, he's hated all my guys I bring home, but so have all my female friends. Yea he's gotten me presents, but so have my female friends. Maybe we drunkenly made out, but so have... well, you get the point.

Wishing my life were more like "The Proposal" because Ryan Reynolds is HOT,

Ally

The best dating advice comes from Eleanor Roosevelt

Remember that little quote that's been pummeled into your head since kindergarten? "There's nothing to fear but fear itself." Unfortunately for the late Mrs. Roosevelt, the people of America probably should have also feared the ensuing decade of bread lines, unemployment, and stocking up on toilet paper. But while my love life could be considered depressing, it's hardly the Great Depression. It's more akin to the most recent economic crisis; Nothing that can't be fixed by a black man.

...I digress. While the quote may currently seem as culturally relevant as Tamagatchis, I found myself really thinking about it. What has REALLY caused more detriment to my life? The things I'm afraid of, or the fact that I'm afraid of them? My list of phobias includes, but is not limited to:Acrophobia, algophobia, apiphobia, cacophobia, chiroptophobia, decidophobia, dutchphobia, gamophobia, macrophobia, nudophobia, orientalphobia... and the big one... philophobia.

I am absolutely terrified that one day I might be forced into the situation where I have to...love someone. Most of my fears stem from the fact that my mind likes to think of ways everything can go wrong. Sometimes this is a good thing; as in when I finally come to the conclusion that getting into a car with 3 strange men I just met at the bar is a poor choice (...God, I wish I HAD come to that conclusion...) But sometimes it's terrible thing, like when I irrationally believe my boyfriend is cheating on me with Heidi Klum (and he doesn't even like blondes!)

But that's the reason philophobia is my favorite of all phobias. It's the easiest one to justify, because most of these "irrational" thoughts have ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED. I've been cheated on with strangers and with friends. I've cheated on people for no apparent reason with 7 different dudes in one night. I've dumped people over text, after things were going seemingly well. I've been dumped over facebook chat, after things were going seemingly well. People fall in and out of love faster than I throw up after chugging 3 Long Islands. Add all this up, and being love feels a lot like standing on a mountain surrounded by bees and Asian people; absolutely frightening.

Now some people are thrill seekers and absolutely get off on this feeling. I do not. I'm being a risk seeker if I decide to wear lace underwear in the morning. And while I realize that my love averse behavior is putting me on the Metra to Cat Lady Town, that doesn't mean I'm ready to take the plunge.

So sorry there, Eleanor. While you may have given some sound advice, your husband also cheated on you with your social secretary. So maybe the only thing to fear... is women who are hotter than you.

At least I'm not blogophobic,

Ivy

If I were your third grade teacher, you'd get a check minus.

The thing about winter break is that it is more destructive to my love life than Jose Cuervo. It is impossible to meet any fresh dating material while hitting the south suburban club scene, unless you have an affinity for Ed Hardy trucker caps and community college. Now if you have an attention addiction stronger than Amy Winehouse's addiction to snorting every substance known to man, this reduces you to recycling former love interests.

When you start trying to rekindle things with past prospects, you start remembering why they never quite made the leap from Mr. Right Now to Mr. Right. Most of them are at best intolerable, and at worst deserve to die in a fire. I sent a text message one night to a cute med student I had met over the summer, feigning interest in how his life had been going...and opened the Pandora's box of texts, phone calls, and IMs. I have no problem with 500 text messages a day, provided the guy has something witty/smart/cute/interesting to say (hello, I literally have tried to snort attention off of a hooker's ass). 95% of the time, they do not. Nothing this med student had to say fell into the magical 5%.

Sample conversation (which happened approximately 60 different times):

Him- Wanna come over and watch a movie?

Me- You live kind of far. You could come here.

Him- I'm already all cozy in my bed. You can climb in with me. We can cuddle.

Me- I don't even like to cuddle.

Him- You never want to hang out with me.

No shit I never want to hang out with you. That's because you never suggest anything even remotely appealing to do. All of your suggestions involve me riding the train for 45 minutes into the ghetto, to hang out at your apartment (which probably doesn't even have couches) and cuddle with you. And let's be honest, when you SAY cuddle you MEAN you're going to try and date rape me for 2 hours before finally awkwardly passing out.

Listen, I'm not saying you have to get me a 200 dollar dinner before I have sex with you; I've had sex with people for Taco Bell. What I'm saying is that your hang out suggestion makes you seem incredibly, incredibly boring. You seem like the kind of guy whose idea of an epic Saturday night is watching ESPN with your friends in your apartment with two cases of Busch, before you drunk dial your ex girlfriend and cry to her for a half an hour. You also seem like you hate effort, in every sense of the word, as demonstrated by your inability to leave your apartment ever. Which means if I were to somehow sleep with you, I would enjoy about 7 minutes of sex. And enjoy is really pushing it.

And maybe it's my fault for texting you one fucking time asking how you were doing. Maybe that one generic text gave you the impression that you should try to get me to come to your apartment on a daily basis. And maybe I really wasn't clear enough when I said "No, I'm not going to go to your apartment." or when I said "No, I'm never coming to your apartment." or when I said "No, you're completely retarded for thinking I am ever coming to your apartment."

The next time this lazy jackass asks me to come to his damn apartment, you know what? I'm gonna do it. And I'm going to nail his roommate, then leave. Guess it might be worth the trip after all.

Call an escort service. She'll come to your apartment,

Ivy

Seriously, guys, dating gives me ulcers.

Since ending my coupled status, I've attempted to regain my title as drunken make out queen. This mission proved successful the weekend I went to Soundbar, ate pizza in a random guy's hotel room, threw up and passed out on my bathroom floor, then made out with a hot German with a lip ring (Not necessarily in that order. Okay, fine, in that order...)

The following weekend, I met two adorable and shockingly literate men while out... and while I didn't sloppily make out with them in any alleys, I did give both of them my number to play my odds (Okay, fine, and made out with one of them in the alley. And the other in a basement.) Well kids, when it rains it pours, and Mr. Friday and Mr. Saturday soon became Mr. Sunday Night Date and Mr. Monday Night Date.

Somewhere in between trying on my 47th outfit and listening to three different Tegan and Sara albums, it hit me: Dates don't excite me. Dating is a lot like reading James Joyce novels. I don't actually want to do it, but I feel like a lesser person if I don't. There's nothing fun about one dimensional conversation, having to shave my legs, or pretending to eat less than Kate Moss.

Why, why, oh why can't it be socially acceptable to make out with hot exchange students every weekend right before they move back to Mozambique/Liechtenstein/Bolivia? Why do I have to....get to KNOW people? Or even worse...start to CARE about people?

Maybe it's a slightly cynical, misanthropic attitude. But expectations tend to lead to disaster, whereas one time make outs tend to lead to hilarious stories. Although I guess disaster leads to hilarious stories too.

Say goodnight and go,

Ivy

Ivy the coupled

Being in a relationship is a lot like buying a pair of 4.5" heels. It seems so glamourous, but once you're in them it's just a lot of stumbling and pain...plus you look like an asshole. After a full year and a half of being less committal than a moderate voter in the 2004 election, I finally entered a relationship. Cue the flowers, candies, dates to every party, soup when I'm sick, and rides to the airport, right?

Wrong, wrong, oh boy, so wrong. I guess I've always prided myself on not being the type of girl who swoons over The Notebook. Until I remember that while Ryan Gosling may not do it for me, I AM the type of girl who swoons over The Princess Bride. Whether we like to admit it or not, we've all glamorized relationships. And in some respects, those of us who have stayed single the LONGEST probably glamorize them the most. I mean, for Christ's Sake, if it takes a year and a fucking half for me to finally get back into one, shouldn't it be the most incredible thing since Zac Efron's six pack?

I'm still on the fence with this one. My recent relationship was with a cute, funny, intelligent guy who seemed like a perfect fit. Except the Prince Charming didn't exactly come with the white horse; our ensuing relationship was probably about as romantic as a junior high dance. But the only flaw I could find with the relationship was that it was lacking in that Disney magic... he still treated me kindly, made me laugh, and snuggled with me. The only thing really lacking was that box of chocolates.

So how much IS a box of chocolates, besides 1700 calories? Apparently enough to destroy my relationship, and I didn't even know it. Because as much as we like to pretend we are progressive, and that we don't want to be treated like the damsel in distress, I'm pretty sure that only applies to getting an equal paycheck. When it comes to dating, we still want flowers and candles and all that cheesy bullshit we make fun of our friends for liking. Is it hypocritical? Well, yes. But we have boobs, so deal.

Everyone always tells me relationships take work. And maybe they do, but guess what...that's probably why I hate relationships. Everything else in my life takes work. Can we just skip ahead to the free dinners and affection? Deep down I have a sneaking suspicion that relationships that really work DON'T take work... and maybe I'm unrealistic, but I think that just means I have to find someone as unrealistic as I am.

Holding out for the white horse, palace, and all,

Ivy

I might as well date cardboard cutouts

Friday night I went out with a Northwestern med student who picked a wonderful restaurant, told me how lovely I looked, slightly resembled Zach Braff, is going to do volunteer work in India...

OH, and hated his family, hated his roommates, hated his friends, and hated not staring at the hot blondes two feet away from us. Whether he was calling his roommate's girlfriend a "dumb bitch" or telling me which drink to order, he never failed to amaze me. And how did I end up in this situation?

Did you read the first paragraph? Hello, I could bring him home to mother, grandmother, and my panties. But the thing about guys who are perfect on paper is that they know this is enough for most women. Who cares if he is charming? All he has to do is cite his future 6 figure salary and prestigious degree, and enough hot mommas will be spitting out "No, no. Go ahead. Order my drink without asking. Doctor knows best!"

Come on, people, how many more Ted Bundy's and Craigslist Killers do we need before we realize... no matter how many superficial qualities a dude fulfills, that does not in any way mean he is someone worth your time. Look, I'm not telling you that you need to be so deep that you start dating really affectionate homeless guys (awww, how sweet, he's jacking off to me on the el! now there's a man who's not afraid of PDA!), but go into everything with a grain of salt.

I went out with this guy under the impression that he was going to woo me. I mean, he made a dinner RESERVATION...guys don't even do that anymore. But the more I looked into it, the more I realized the signs he was a douche were always there. For Christ's sake, his pick up line was "Let's get this out of the way, what's your name?" And the way he asked for my number by saying, "So, are we actually gonna hang out, or should I not bother?" was simply MAGICAL. 

Please read the above paragraph. Those things happened the night we MET. WHY DID I SAY YES TO HIM. I'm not that shallow, but look, it's biological; women want successful men. So by the time he's telling me he's looking to do his rotations at U of C, I was ready to bend over and start presenting, okay?

Well, kids, there's different ways for a man to be successful. Yes, ambition and looks are attractive qualities...but you know what else is attractive? Being a decent human being. I mean it...trustworthiness, honesty, compassion, kindness....kinda fucking hot, guys. At LEAST as hot as a fleeting resemblance to Zach Braff.

So, alas, I will not be enjoying his rousing company again. And I hope one day he is quite happy with his busty wife named Courtney who laughs and coos at everything he says, even when he's saying "Honey, it's so cute when you pretend to have opinions about things." Because only in a perfect world are hot Ivy Leaguers actually decent people.

postscript: I am well aware of Ally's hot Ivy Leaguer who is a decent person. This does not count as Ally's life is absolutely insane, and should not be considered a standard for normal people.

The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff...or the breaking up part (and yes, I quoted No Authority)

Alright ladies (and the few of you gentlemen out there), after chatting with my younger sister today, I've decided it was necessary that I blog about something I'm very knowledgeable about: Breaking up with people.

Specifically, breaking up with someone that you have no business even being in a relationship with anymore.

Background story: My sister, Little Ally and her boyfriend have recently (read: a majority of their relationship) been hitting a few bumps. They argue/full on fight a LOT. Neither one likes them to keep the company of the opposite gender if they're not around. And they need to know what the other is doing at all times, probably to make sure it is nothing they wouldn't approve of. Also, BF is a little controlling (not excessively, but a smidgen more than most semi-insecure 17 year old boys are). Don't get me wrong though, other parts of their relationship are wonderful, buuuut I'm just picking out the bad to make my point (Yay selective observation!).

Anyway, Lil' A decided to start listening to me and literally every one of her friends who said it may be best if they broke up. So she decided to do what most college freshmen do the first week of livin' in the dorms- dump her boyfriend. Well, BF didn't like that idea. He proceeded to tell her the dreaded words that will make most girls change their minds. He pulled the "Don't do this, I promise I'll change, just give me one more chance" card. And she bought it. Despite everyone telling her that he cannot change forever. Well, Lil' A takes after her big sis and there was an alcohol induced incident that occurred (not saying what it was incase BF reads this). Nothing happened, buuuut, when you're trying to fix a relationship, one is typically a little more reserved.

Naturally, I told her this was a sign that deep down she didn't want to fix the relationship. She disagreed and just said it was a stupid mistake and she felt bad about it. She said she thought it would help her figure out what she wanted. Which it did not, but instead confused her even more. Wow, Shocking. Who knew fraternizing with HOT single boys who are nice to you would make staying with the boy you want to dump because he makes you cry more difficult. We proceeded to discuss (argue) about the situation. I asked her why she wanted to stay with BF and her response was "Because I love him and he was my first serious boyfriend and we've been through a lot together." Well, those SEEM to be good enough reasons, right? WRONG. Those things don't really pertain to the present. So I asked her if she's happy like, all the time with him. She said that no one in a relationship is happy all the time. So I asked her how much they fought. She said "Less". Not "not that much", or "once in a while" but "less." Hmmm. Yea. is that REALLY a healthy relationship, Lil' A? Not so much.

And I don't mean to rip on my sister, because honestly, I see SOOOO many of my friends fall into the same trap of various unhealthy relationships. I totally understand that it's completely hard to just end a relationship with someone you've been with for years, but I think there comes a point where it's just necessary. Sometimes, two people aren't compatible anymore. And that's ok. It just means you have grown as people and found yourselves. What you had was great, but you're no longer the same people you were when you met. It doesn't mean you don't love each other anymore. (I'm gonna get really cliche now) It just means that you're not meant to spend the rest of your lives together. If someone (or most of your friends) are telling you that your relationship is becoming destructive, don't be defensive, but actually listen and think about it.

Think about why you're staying together:

If "Because we love each other" is the ONLY reason. Is that really enough? Does that alone cancel out all the bad? If you're not totally happy, it's not enough.

Also, saying some variation of, "When we're not fighting, its REALLY good" is a red flag. That is not good, sweetie, that is bad. I'm pretty sure they teach you back in High School health classes that people who stay in abusive relationships say that to justify everything.

Basically, my moral of the story is that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes, you just end up working way to hard at a relationship that needs to end. (I'm going to be very blunt here to get my point across) When that happens, you need to break up. Cherish the good from the relationship and take it all as a learning experience from a chapter in your life and then start the new one. I promise that you will find someone even better that will treat you right ALL the time.

I'm fully aware I sound like the condescending older sister, but who cares? I'm right...

Ally