And I think that's true for me. When I started this blog, I was amazed by how many of my friends and acquaintances, male and female alike, told me how much I wrote resonated with them. And, damn, I got excited! We were all in the same boat! But while my peers are merely passengers, I am the mother fucking captain. Everyone goes through a phase where they just can't find someone to be in a relationship with. I know some lovely, interesting girls who have been single for literally years now. But either they have been in committed relationships, or they are finally finding dudes worthy of them right now. I never have been in a relationship that has meant anything. And, unless Edward Norton shows up with a schoolmaster's uniform on, I've got nothing going on right now that matters.
While my friends tend to get better with time...I...don't. I just get slightly more complacent, or at my very best I get a lot more humorous. Am I the only perma- single in the entire world? Yeah, I'm only 21, which is quite a few El stops away from Spinsterville (which I think is located somewhere near Rush street). But the fact that in 7 years of dating no one has ever settled down with me makes me wonder: guys, what the fuck is wrong with me? For whatever flaws I may have, and we can admit there is a laundry list, there are girls who are fatter, dumber, and crazier than me who are able to find long term boyfriends. Am I secreting some sort of odd pheromone that makes men pick up on a primitive sense that I am a poor mate? (I am, by the way, but how do they KNOW?!) Is everyone racist against dating an Arab since 9/11...meaning in addition to ruining America, George Bush ruined my love life?? Or...and the most creeping, upsetting thought of all...am I just really not that special or desirable of a person?
I was discussing this with Dude Friend just now, and for a guy, he actually was able to come up with a rather astute response. If there is anything I am better at than every other person I know, it's not being a relationship. For Christ's sake, I aspire to make a living one day out of never being in a relationship. Everyone has that "white whale", that one void they have in their lives that they obsess over fulfilling (Plus 1,000 points to me for continuing with that 'ship and captain' metaphor. Plus 1,000 points to you if you picked up on that before this parenthetical statement). So I guess that's my thing. I've been able to stay a size 6 since I was 14, I'm a baller in the academic realm, and I'm more social than I even know how to handle. One part of my life has to completely fucking suck...or else I'd have nothing to make a blog about.
I guess that fateful day in February when I decided to pour my guts out to friends, acquaintances, and the internet...I was trying to figure something out. I was taking a jab at my own dating shortcomings because humor is great therapy, but also because I thought I might stumble upon some amazing self discovery about why I am still single. A few months later and all I can really come up with is...I guess that's who I'm supposed to be at the moment. And considering being single actually does make up such a gigantic portion of my personality (whether or not I desire or intend that), maybe it's best not to try and do away with it so hastily. I cannot even imagine what I would be like on the other side of things...the very idea kind of makes me break out into hives. So the rest of you passengers feel free to make your way to dry land; the captain always goes down with the ship.
Investing in a sexy sailor costume,
Ivy
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