For the record, ;-) are stupid. I guarantee you never actually wink...

You know what’s worse than the Booty Call?  The Emotional Booty Call…via text.  Now, many of you might not be familiar with what this is (and by familiar I mean have a guy do it to you) but, I’m sure most of you are guilty of it. The Emotional Booty Text (EBT) is when someone will text a fallback guy or girl solely for the sake of texting.  Variations include “Hey, what’s up”, “how’s your day going”, “I can’t wait to see you”, or, my personal favorite, the “good morning, sweetie” text that’s waiting for you when you wake up.

Now, I have to admit, whenever I’ve been in a slump, I’ll usually start texting some guy every once in a while just to keep me preoccupied, but my latest failed attempt at a boyfriend wins the gold medal for emotional booty texts.  After 4 months of being MIA (that’s a story in itself, and should have been a red flag), “Updater“ decides to call me out of the blue. Twice. Within an hour.  I later found out it was to invite me to some event because he missed me and hadn’t seen me in FOREVER.  He then proceeds to text me. Everyday. For two weeks. All the time.  I’ll admit that I fell for it at first. It was nice to get cute little texts again from a boy I was interested in (who actually spelled out words correctly and used punctuation). I liked opening my phone to see some variation of me being called pretty accompanied by an emoticon. (seriously, the ;-) gets me everytime) After a while though, the texts started becoming more like updates and were getting more and more boyfriend-y.  I would get texts like “I’m tanning now. I wish you were lying next to me” or “I’m going shopping” or the MULTIPLE “Come to where I am on vacation right now” texts. 

The other night, I get the courage (read: make poor decisions while drinking) to text Updater, who by the way doesn’t even go to my school, to see why he decided to start texting me of all girls suddenly, out of the blue.  He informed me that no girl at his school was like me because I was really nice and cute and he wanted to see where things went. AWWW. He DID like me. Oh, wait, bullshit. He hadn’t spoken to me in 4 months. Try again. He went on to tell me that He really liked me. So, luckily, I DO get a little more ballsy when I’m drinking and called him out on it saying he didn’t know a thing about me and he pulled the “True, but I want to know more” card. Which I fell for. The next day, I asked Ivy what she thought about Updater. She said he was insincere. So then as the EBTs continued, I realized that I was like, the replacement girlfriend. He didn’t need to get any (he’s hot, he probably already was) but he needed to have some quasi-emotional thing going on- even if it was only through text.

So, how do you know if you’re a victim of the EBT and the guy’s really not sincere.  Well, if you’re me, you’re writing this blog as you wait for the guy to come hang out with you like he suggested in the first place.  Really though, if a guy says “I can’t wait to see you” guess what, unless he actually comes to see you, he can, in fact, wait.  If nothing happens outside of texting, or facebook, or any other form of technology, they’re just EBTs.  And really, that’s pretty much like you’re going back to the junior high days when you’d go in the “Kids Only” Chatrooms on AOL and talk to some guy across the country…oh wait…maybe that was only me and my friends….

I’ve decided that this is the more dangerous form of the booty call. At least with a Booty Call, you have the option to get something out of it. But with the EBT, you become accustomed to having someone to constantly tell how your day was, get cute comments from, and receive a never ending supply of various smiley faces. You don't get anything out of it other than the security of always having someone to "talk" to and this sucks, because lets face it, when you’re texting someone 425 times a day, you kind of expect something other than a huge phone bill to come from it.

Thank God I have Unlimited Texting

Ally 

And men think WE'RE oblivious.

This week involved me having to resort to disgustingly blunt measures to weed away the male suitors (I use this term...loosely at best) who will NOT SHUT UP. I have tried being unresponsive, flat out rude, telling them I was not looking for anything, saying we should be just friends, and so on and so forth...I busted out every line in my rejection arsenal. Now before you think I am greedy and turning away lovely gentleman, allow me to assure you that both of these guys suck, in new and fantastic ways.

Got booty call text from Booty Caller Thursday night. I have yet to give him any booty, so I do not know why I have become his main resource. I had to put an end to it. Midnight rolled around (on the DOT! this is becoming ridiculous) and I got the, "Hey I'm in the area, what's up?" OF COURSE you are in the area. You live in Lincoln Park. I live 15 minutes away. You are always, every night, about 15 minutes away from the area. This is not a special occasion.

I responded, "I'm sorry. We want different things. For example, I'd like someone capable of contacting me before midnight."

No response. The Booty Caller has been silenced. I will remember him always as the one who got away.

Boy 2. Boy who, while we were dating in November, left me. For a Reverend. No I'm not kidding, he left me for a chick reverend, which is a huge slap in the face because I am agnostic. Well after their beautiful 3 week long relationship, he decided that he missed me so bad, and he made a mistake. Apparently he thinks I'm a 13 year old Jonas brothers fan. I called shennanigans...I don't wanna see Reverend Lover ever again. Yet he texts me pretty much every other day asking if I'd like to go out with him. These have been my various (and I swear, true) responses:

"We already had our chance"
"I don't want to see you."
"We could be friends, nothing more."
"I don't want to see you."
"I'm way too busy to hang out with you, ever."
"...I don't want to see you."

And each time, he texts me that he misses me and asks when he can see me...as though those responses didn't exist. He pulled the, "but don't you miss spending time with me?" card. I finally had to be blunt: "There is absolutely nothing between us. I have said this. We have no connection, at all."

Cold. Harsh. To the point. Like pulling off a band-aid, or sleeping with your professor; it's just better to get it done quickly.

Teaching the oblivious a lesson,

Ivy

Add it up and basically, people never change

So the whole world knows that this semester I had my heart torn into approximately 850 pieces by the greatest (and CUTEST) mindfucker to be unleashed upon mankind. MF (which stands for mindfucker, but by the way, could stand for something else in describing him) emotionally abused me with a smile, all the while somehow convincing me he had done nothing out of the ordinary. Genius. At any rate, what's done is done, and I've moved on to gaining 10 lbs and he's moved on to fucking half of Chicago...and one of my friends.

I ran into said friend at the library (okay, the bar, shut up) last night. Now I'm an adult, so I can admit that I think she is a lousy bitch and someone should kidnap her, tape her eyes open, and force her to watch Lifetime for 48 straight hours until she learns the meaning of female solidarity. (Chicks before dicks!...unless he's particularly smart or attractive). Now the first thing Good Friend says to me is,

"Why didn't you warn me that MF is a DOUCHEBAG?"

And it's true. I didn't say a word...I found out they were dating, and I didn't try to stop it. I didn't say "Hey. Seriously, I KNOW he has a smile that would make Adolf Hitler giggle like a schoolgirl...but in my humble experience, he is going to cheat on you with 5 different women, and then somehow get you to blame yourself." I racked my brain for an excuse, and finally told her I respected her enough to know she'd come to the conclusion on her own.

But that's not true, considering I currently don't respect her at all. The real answer is: For some reason unbeknown to myself, I honestly thought he would treat her amazingly. Seriously, for some reason I had it in my head that MF was only a mindfucker (motherfucker) to me specifically, and that the next woman he was with would get nothing but honesty, kisses, affection, and a Harry Winston engagement ring. When the truth is...he used to be a jackass, he currently is a jackass, and he will probably continue to be a jackass even on his deathbed.

At the root of this is a bigger problem (It's always a bigger problem. Life is a series of big fucking problems wrapped within each other). Even though he was the one to fuck up badly, I blamed myself. And we always do this...for some reason, all women (hey and men!) have this insane belief that if we were good enough, Cheaters and Assholes alike would give up their evil ways and smother us with love and eskimo kisses. But it's not true! Some people are just mean. Independent of how sexy or clever or amazing at blowjobs you are, some people are just selfish, and rude, and mean.

This may sound depressing, but it's NOT! It is amazingly uplifting...it means that you don't have to worry about your horribly cruel exes being really happy with their lives right now. They aren't happy. Because they will drag the some bullshit and emotional garbage into all of their relationships, forever and ever. I can only hope that Good Friend comes to her senses and dumps him, though part of me is glad her ignorance of female solidarity has taught her an important lesson: If 50% of his exes became suicidal, and the other 50% became homicidal, statistics are just not in your favor.

I am so happy you will always suck,

Ivy

This could be one of the reasons I'm single....

Last night after finishing three wonderful renditions of Torn, Summer Nights, and Piano Man at Karaoke I went to a friend's place for his Birthday and what I was told was a "dance party".

I get there and my two friends who live at the apartment are passed out/very near passing out. There was one other person there that I didn't know, so being the friendly person that I am, I go up and introduce myself.

His Response: I already know. We went on a date about a year ago. Remember?

I instantly remembered said date, but still have no idea what his name is.

FML,

Ally

E for effort

Booty Caller is such a relentless, well...Booty Caller that it has become hilarious. I would like to include a brief analysis of our correspondance from this weekend:

Friday:

11:07 pm- "What's up?" Yes. I bet you really want to know how my day went. And you want to know right now, at 11, through text message. Needless to say, I simply didn't respond. I bet the suspense was killing him. How was he to find out what was up? HOW?!

12:53 am- "I have nothing to do let's meet up." Oh, okay. Yeah, let's meet up! What did you have in mind? I know a really great sushi place off Rush. Too bad it closed 3 hours ago. Oh, plan B! Let's go back to my apartment and have sex... sounds good! Okay so my actual response was more along the lines of, "I'm out right now." Short and to the point, though not as deliciously dripping with sarcasm.

2:14 am- "So you don't want to meet up? It would be fun..." Fun, you say? Well I could never say no to fun, you got me, I am a sucker for fun! Oh...are you going to bring Scrabble?! You sly dog, you!

Saturday:

1 am- "What's up." Man, improper punctuation this time. Now I can't even tell if it is a question, or he is informing me that what is up. I responded "Busy."

1:27 am- "We should meet up." Good suggestion! It's also new and fresh, it is not as though you have been suggesting this past midnight every single night since I gave you my number, you moron. Listen, I said no the past 7 other times you've booty called me. Do you even HAVE other people to booty call? What kind of serial booty caller doesn't keep some sort of rotation going? What a novice...

Conclusion- Booty calls are a jackass move...if the person is actually responding to them. Otherwise they just make you look weird and pathetic. In our week of texting, Booty Caller has only been making the same three statements, "What's up" "Let's meet up" "It would be fun" For Christ's sake, I feel like I'm getting text bombarded by Smarterchild. Think up some new material.

I will sleep with you when you ask before 9 pm,

Ivy

They're not even TRYING to hide it anymore!

I remember a golden age. An age where men would take you out, buy you dinner, send flowers, call to see how you were doing...all in an attempts to get laid. Come on, we're not stupid. We know that ultimately 90% of all sweet actions are to get laid, and the other 10% are for blowjobs. Okay, maybe it's not that bad...but let's be honest, it's CLOSE. Does that sound seedy? Reading over this now, I guess it does sound a little depressing to admit that the larger purpose of courtship is to get to my goodies. What's more depressing, though, is that it's not even the norm anymore. Think of the last time you've been on a REAL date... going to a 24 hour diner after meeting at the bar does not count, by the way. Are you stunned? Read on, sweetheart.

This latest rant stems from a guy I gave my number to last Saturday. Since then, Booty Caller has texted me on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. All after 9. All asking what I was doing specifically that night. Those two factors alone are enough to qualify his genuine concern as to "whats up" as booty texts. Now I understand that 80% of college aged males only want to get laid, and to be honest, I am fine with that. But where did the effort go? Really, he can't make the effort to text me in the afternoon to try and get me in the sack? He can't ask a day earlier to make it seem like he's not a huge tool? There is no effort to disguise it...

And why? Because it is normal. Do you remember when booty calls used to be kind of gross? I remember back in the day when someone could be looked down upon for being the kind of guy who sent texts post 11 pm, inquiring the all important question, "Whatre u up 2?" I'm starting to realize that is what MOST GUYS DO though! It has come to the point where I am literally stunned if a man asks to see me to actually spend time together, coherently, in the daytime. Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought my peak level of wit and intellect occured while I was coherent and in the day time! I never thought I was that interesting after 4 shots of Jack, slurring the words to "Hey Mickey" (Great song, by the way, just listen to the pain and angst in those lyrics).

The habit is ingrained. I tried to break him of it, I did...by rejecting his booty calls. But they kept coming. And that does not make me an idiot, it makes him an idiot. Because for some reason he thinks his strategy of trying to drunkenly pressure me into hanging out with him while I'm already having a blast with my friends will work. Does he not realize I am not sitting at home waiting for said booty call? No, Booty Caller, I do not want to "meet up." I am out. I made plans. And I do not intend on changing them so you can drunkenly slobber all over me, wake up, leave, and continue this process. Try asking me out for coffee, kid.

Ignoring what was probably a mass text anyways,

Ivy

THANK GOD! I thought it only happened to me...

I haven't been in the bloggy mood lately do to reasons that are surprisingly not boy related.

Having said that, this isn't going to be a long post.

I just wanted to say how HAPPY I am to find out that I'm not the only one that guys in relationships hit on.  After like, 10 guys with girlfriends hit on/make out with/pursue/or actually take you out, you begin to worry.  Actually. Wait, no. Now I'm MORE worried.  How many guys actually hit on girls when they're already in relationships?

As Ivy said, it's not fair.  I want someone that I can go home with and cuddle with. aka. NOT SOMEONE WHO'S IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.  

But why is it that I seem to attract two types of guys: men older than my father. and guys with girlfriends.  My guy friends tell me that at least for the guys with sig. others, it's because I'm cute and flirtatious and they miss being single.  Well, guess what. They're not. so they need to stop acting like it.  

This is the end of my post because it's a touchy subject and it makes me bitter.

ally

If you are unable to actually make out with me, please stop hitting on me.

A strange, new breed of men has been cropping up all over the place: The monogamists. Maybe it is because we are getting older, maybe it is because men have caught on to the fact that calling someone their girlfriend insures them regular sex. Either way, the last several men who have hit on me have had girlfriends. Yes, you read that correctly. This mutated strand of monogamists are trolling bars, looking for hot women, flirting with them all night, and even dancing with them. This can turn out one of two ways, they cheat or they don't, and I can't decide which I am more pissed off and Alanis Morrisette-level frustrated over.

Example: The other night I was at a very classy and elegant lounge. You know, the kind where they blast Britney Spears remixes, and there are poles on the stage for you to dance on. I only place myself in the most upscale situations. So I spot a very cute blonde, plus ten points for donning a cordoruoy blazer, and we get to dancing. And by dancing I mean dry humping and eye fucking, and he 100% got a PB (public boner- every tipsy college male's worst enemy). We're so about to get our mack on, when he excuses himself to the bathroom. And that's when I know something has gone sour, because if a guy really wants to do you he will wait 5 years to pee...actually what will happen is he will hold his pee until he finally gets to walk you home, and then stop in an alley. (Think about it. That has happened on 98% of your walks home, has it not?) But Cord Blazer got flirty and hot and heavy and hotter and heavier with me and just LEFT. I asked one of his friends in a slightly less obvious manner, "hey what happened I thought that guy was going to do me later." The answer? "Him? Nah, he has a girlfriend."

OH FUCK YOU. Come on, now! Now I understand that juking is not cheating, but you still suck so much. Not because you roam bars dirty dancing with other women, that is between you and your mystery gf. But you are a dick because you wasted my time! You cockblocked me from meeting any actually eligible bachelors (though, these days, I think they might be an urban myth). And why did you do this? Did you and schnookums get into a fight? Do you want to look like you still have your pimp juice in front of your friends? It is people like you who make me believe all monogamists should be required to have an "M" marked on their forehead before they enter any bar.

Alternate, equally shitty scenario: A couple of weeks after that, I was chilling at a hipster joint rocking a floral dress and tights because I am so hipster, when near the bar I began talking to a very adorable aspiring Ad exec. He was insanely intelligent and witty (but those things don't matter, he was also a slamming hottie), and we spent the entire night sipping on PBR's and exchanging witty banter. At the end of the night he took my number (score!), and we shook hands goodnight. Okay, fine, we made out in an alley. You see, I make out with so many people I actually consider it on par with shaking hands now.

Now I had this moron's name, and in 2009, I don't know what gave him the impression that I would NOT cyber stalk him. He was in a relationship! Not any old relationship...the kind where there are 4,000 pictures of just her and him, and she is actually listed as one of his interests. Are you kidding me? His interests should read: "Literature, discovering new music, and picking up anonymous strangers at bars to make out with despite having a girlfriend. Oh, and my beautiful girlfriend!!!" And I can't decide if this situation is better or worse...because while cheating is pretty gross and reprehensible (And America's favorite passtime!), at least I freaking got something out of it, right? Something gross and shady, but SOMETHING.

I think I can best conclude that nothing good ever comes from this new trend of taken men acting like swinging bachelors...I get it, you want the perks of having a relationship without having to feel like you can't still be a good wingman, or go out and have a flirty old time. But listen...stop making it harder for us ACTUALLY single people! While you may just be getting your kicks, we are legitimately trying to meet someone, and you make this very, very difficult by pulling an old switcharoo on us. "Oh, hi, I'm an attractive guy who is interested in you...just kidding! I'd like to flirt with you and maybe fool around with you a little before I go home to my very plain girlfriend, who is named Kate/Ashley/Nancy." (Which gets me on a tangent...scientific evidence, aka cyber stalking, has revealed to me that all of these girlfriends are very plain and have extraordinarily white girl names. So THAT'S what I'm doing wrong, shoot!)

But honestly, if you have been flirting with me for two hours, or dancing so hard up on me it feels like you should probably be wearing a condom, I should not have to ASK if you are single. It should be a given! It was a trade off. You made this choice when you started dating Ashley, pal...you're not allowed to act single anymore. You get things like regular sex, guaranteed dates for parties, and unlimited snuggling...it's in the fine print, you waived the right to mack on hot strangers. So please, if you have a little lady at home, you keep your free drink and your public boner to yourself.

Changing her name to Kate ASAP,

Ivy

I Get My Best Dating Advice From My Grandma....

I decided to give my grandma a call tonight to say “hi” and let her know that I was doing alright and that I had, in fact, been eating the last week since I had seen her.  While we were talking we went through the normal “how’s school, how’s work, blah blah blah” and after all that was done with, she moved on to her favorite topic: My dating life. Or as I think she sees it “How long until I have great-grandchildren.”  Really though, for a Greek grandma, I must say, she’s not really too overbearing about my love life.  Sure she asks me every time I see her, but I like when I talk to her about it.  Why?  Because unlike the rest of my family she’s asking because she’s interested in my happiness, not my marital status.  She’s also very funny when it comes to guys that screw me over.  (And she gives surprisingly good revenge ideas…)

Ivy and I went out for food the other day and I got to talking about a story my Grandma once told me when I was younger.  Back when she lived in Athens, some young good-looking guy continually asked her out until she said yes.  They were going to meet off of some bus stop and head to wherever he was supposed to take her.  When she got to the bus she found him reading a magazine at the little newsstand by the stop. She got back on the bus and left.  Upon hearing this I told her that what she had done was mean and socially unacceptable, but her response was a little shocking.  It was something along the lines of, “He should have been standing there waiting for me. Clearly I wasn’t that important to him, so I went home.”  I told her that he was probably nervous and just passing time; she said he should have been nervous. And more eager to see her.  She always has wanted me to remember that if a guy does not give me 120% of his attention then he’s not good enough for me.

Back then, I really didn’t understand what she was trying to say.  I thought I did, but about 6ish years later, I finally realized how right she was.  I mean seriously, how many of us get excited because we get some variation of the “Wut r u up 2 2night” text? I know I’m not the only one, and for the record I don’t associate with boys who type like that. (“fone” boy was an exception and I will not do that again.)  Have our standards for the guys we like really dropped all the way down to communication through texting and Facebook? Because let’s face it, an actual CONVERSATION on the phone really doesn’t even happen anymore.  Here’s the problem though.  It’s kinda our fault.  If we don’t expect more, we’re not gonna get more.  If a guy knows we’ll respond in .7 seconds with a time, location, and the percent chance that he’ll get laid that night, he’s not going to magically become the sweet, romantic, attentive boyfriend we think he can be.  Shooting someone a text is not giving them 120% of his attention- realistically he texted you after he died while playing Halo or whatever other games boys play on Xbox.

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve listened to my grandma’s advice lately, but, I’m saying that I need to start because she’s right. She may be a bit extreme, but she’s still right.  Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t give you his undivided attention?  I’m an attention whore, so I sure as hell don’t.  I want to be with someone who can’t wait to see me. Or talk to me.  Not text, but actually talk and find out how my day was.  And let’s face it, deep down, almost everyone wants that.  Instead though we settle for the boy that texts us at 10:57 Thursday-Saturday and convince ourselves that it means he wants to spend time with us. It doesn’t. He just wants to get laid.

Because I love my grandma and she’s my hero, I’m making a list of the top 5 best (most recent ones that I remember) pieces of advice and commentary she’s given me concerning my love life, or most of the time, the lack there of.

5. “Invite lots of other boys to your party and then flirt with all of them in front

     of him.”

4. “Let me guess, he called you over winter break to hang out? Well, you should

                 tell him to meet you somewhere, and then don’t go.”

3. “Boys in college are dumb. They don’t know what they want. Well, they know

     what they want, but you better not be giving them that…”

2. “He was two timing you?! That’s ridiculous. If anything YOU should be the

     one dating more than one person at a time and then dumping HIM.”

1. “Boys only want girls who are easy and will sleep around. You’re better than

     that, and one day you’ll find your prince charming who doesn’t want an easy

     girl.”

 

Well, she was half right about that last one….

Ally

Ivy: 1, Asshole guys: 476

I couldn’t stop feeling bad for myself last night, so the only solution was to get embarrassingly trashed. Clearly. Dozens of soul searching conversations with friends, exes, and family cannot possibly make you feel as good as 7 shots of tequila. No just kidding, friendship and conversation are great for discovering yourself blah blah blah…but seriously, let’s call it for what it is, nothing makes you feel instantly sexier and more confident than Jose Cuervo. I can say this, because I’m not writing a self help book. I’m writing about how I’m a hot mess, so really, this all fits.

But yeah, I ended up hugging my toilet bowl all night before finally collapsing into bed and waking up tasting like gin and hot wings. I however, made great progress. Not with my alcoholism, that’s still rampant, but with my male interaction.

Last night this fellow, let’s call him Seth, who is the kind of guy you don’t know in real life but always see at bars and parties actually acknowledged me. And I mean he is usually is only talking to the most gorgeous girl in the room (read: Not. Me.), but maybe he ran out of exceptionally beautiful women that night. So anyways he comes up and picks me up, and starts talking about how beautiful my eyes are, and how we should get to know each other better over a bottle of wine, and how he wants to take me to dinner.

And because I am a girl and stupid, my mind immediately races to our first date, and then our wedding, and then raising our dark haired gorgeous babies. But then the logical side of me (it’s quiet but there) FINALLY spoke up, damn’t. He probably just wanted to hook up that night. So I said to him the single greatest thing a woman can say to a man, “Oh sure. You can just look me up.” And I walked away. Because I am awesome. That felt far better than any sloppy public make out, even if it was with a hottie bad boy. Because I got to go home alone and have ugly sleep AND my pride. Seth was immediately buying shots for a gaggle of blondes 5 minutes later, so I doubt it fazed him. But hey, at least I didn’t have to feel bad. And I think that’s what I’m starting to see as the important part…how I fucking feel about it. Not how he feels! No!

See, us women who feel every emotion like it’s our dog’s funeral, assume men are the same way. But most of them are not. They have three emotions: happy, pissed, and horny. Of course there are sub emotions, such content, agitated, and mega-horny. Yet we waste all this time to try and force new emotions on guys constantly. We want them to be enamored, jealous, regretful…all things too complex for their black hearts to fathom. Okay that was a little cruel. But seriously, you can’t force people to feel things, you just can’t. You’re only going to end up disappointed and stupid when you realize that they’ve made up their mind about you, and flirting with their roommate or looking like a goddess won’t fix it. So stop trying to turn the bad boy into a soft little puppy. His momma couldn’t do it, and neither can you.

At least I'm on the board now,

Ivy