A strange, new breed of men has been cropping up all over the place: The monogamists. Maybe it is because we are getting older, maybe it is because men have caught on to the fact that calling someone their girlfriend insures them regular sex. Either way, the last several men who have hit on me have had girlfriends. Yes, you read that correctly. This mutated strand of monogamists are trolling bars, looking for hot women, flirting with them all night, and even dancing with them. This can turn out one of two ways, they cheat or they don't, and I can't decide which I am more pissed off and Alanis Morrisette-level frustrated over.
Example: The other night I was at a very classy and elegant lounge. You know, the kind where they blast Britney Spears remixes, and there are poles on the stage for you to dance on. I only place myself in the most upscale situations. So I spot a very cute blonde, plus ten points for donning a cordoruoy blazer, and we get to dancing. And by dancing I mean dry humping and eye fucking, and he 100% got a PB (public boner- every tipsy college male's worst enemy). We're so about to get our mack on, when he excuses himself to the bathroom. And that's when I know something has gone sour, because if a guy really wants to do you he will wait 5 years to pee...actually what will happen is he will hold his pee until he finally gets to walk you home, and then stop in an alley. (Think about it. That has happened on 98% of your walks home, has it not?) But Cord Blazer got flirty and hot and heavy and hotter and heavier with me and just LEFT. I asked one of his friends in a slightly less obvious manner, "hey what happened I thought that guy was going to do me later." The answer? "Him? Nah, he has a girlfriend."
OH FUCK YOU. Come on, now! Now I understand that juking is not cheating, but you still suck so much. Not because you roam bars dirty dancing with other women, that is between you and your mystery gf. But you are a dick because you wasted my time! You cockblocked me from meeting any actually eligible bachelors (though, these days, I think they might be an urban myth). And why did you do this? Did you and schnookums get into a fight? Do you want to look like you still have your pimp juice in front of your friends? It is people like you who make me believe all monogamists should be required to have an "M" marked on their forehead before they enter any bar.
Alternate, equally shitty scenario: A couple of weeks after that, I was chilling at a hipster joint rocking a floral dress and tights because I am so hipster, when near the bar I began talking to a very adorable aspiring Ad exec. He was insanely intelligent and witty (but those things don't matter, he was also a slamming hottie), and we spent the entire night sipping on PBR's and exchanging witty banter. At the end of the night he took my number (score!), and we shook hands goodnight. Okay, fine, we made out in an alley. You see, I make out with so many people I actually consider it on par with shaking hands now.
Now I had this moron's name, and in 2009, I don't know what gave him the impression that I would NOT cyber stalk him. He was in a relationship! Not any old relationship...the kind where there are 4,000 pictures of just her and him, and she is actually listed as one of his interests. Are you kidding me? His interests should read: "Literature, discovering new music, and picking up anonymous strangers at bars to make out with despite having a girlfriend. Oh, and my beautiful girlfriend!!!" And I can't decide if this situation is better or worse...because while cheating is pretty gross and reprehensible (And America's favorite passtime!), at least I freaking got something out of it, right? Something gross and shady, but SOMETHING.
I think I can best conclude that nothing good ever comes from this new trend of taken men acting like swinging bachelors...I get it, you want the perks of having a relationship without having to feel like you can't still be a good wingman, or go out and have a flirty old time. But listen...stop making it harder for us ACTUALLY single people! While you may just be getting your kicks, we are legitimately trying to meet someone, and you make this very, very difficult by pulling an old switcharoo on us. "Oh, hi, I'm an attractive guy who is interested in you...just kidding! I'd like to flirt with you and maybe fool around with you a little before I go home to my very plain girlfriend, who is named Kate/Ashley/Nancy." (Which gets me on a tangent...scientific evidence, aka cyber stalking, has revealed to me that all of these girlfriends are very plain and have extraordinarily white girl names. So THAT'S what I'm doing wrong, shoot!)
But honestly, if you have been flirting with me for two hours, or dancing so hard up on me it feels like you should probably be wearing a condom, I should not have to ASK if you are single. It should be a given! It was a trade off. You made this choice when you started dating Ashley, pal...you're not allowed to act single anymore. You get things like regular sex, guaranteed dates for parties, and unlimited snuggling...it's in the fine print, you waived the right to mack on hot strangers. So please, if you have a little lady at home, you keep your free drink and your public boner to yourself.
Changing her name to Kate ASAP,