OH, and hated his family, hated his roommates, hated his friends, and hated not staring at the hot blondes two feet away from us. Whether he was calling his roommate's girlfriend a "dumb bitch" or telling me which drink to order, he never failed to amaze me. And how did I end up in this situation?
Did you read the first paragraph? Hello, I could bring him home to mother, grandmother, and my panties. But the thing about guys who are perfect on paper is that they know this is enough for most women. Who cares if he is charming? All he has to do is cite his future 6 figure salary and prestigious degree, and enough hot mommas will be spitting out "No, no. Go ahead. Order my drink without asking. Doctor knows best!"
Come on, people, how many more Ted Bundy's and Craigslist Killers do we need before we realize... no matter how many superficial qualities a dude fulfills, that does not in any way mean he is someone worth your time. Look, I'm not telling you that you need to be so deep that you start dating really affectionate homeless guys (awww, how sweet, he's jacking off to me on the el! now there's a man who's not afraid of PDA!), but go into everything with a grain of salt.
I went out with this guy under the impression that he was going to woo me. I mean, he made a dinner RESERVATION...guys don't even do that anymore. But the more I looked into it, the more I realized the signs he was a douche were always there. For Christ's sake, his pick up line was "Let's get this out of the way, what's your name?" And the way he asked for my number by saying, "So, are we actually gonna hang out, or should I not bother?" was simply MAGICAL.
Please read the above paragraph. Those things happened the night we MET. WHY DID I SAY YES TO HIM. I'm not that shallow, but look, it's biological; women want successful men. So by the time he's telling me he's looking to do his rotations at U of C, I was ready to bend over and start presenting, okay?
Well, kids, there's different ways for a man to be successful. Yes, ambition and looks are attractive qualities...but you know what else is attractive? Being a decent human being. I mean it...trustworthiness, honesty, compassion, kindness....kinda fucking hot, guys. At LEAST as hot as a fleeting resemblance to Zach Braff.
So, alas, I will not be enjoying his rousing company again. And I hope one day he is quite happy with his busty wife named Courtney who laughs and coos at everything he says, even when he's saying "Honey, it's so cute when you pretend to have opinions about things." Because only in a perfect world are hot Ivy Leaguers actually decent people.
postscript: I am well aware of Ally's hot Ivy Leaguer who is a decent person. This does not count as Ally's life is absolutely insane, and should not be considered a standard for normal people.