With all the outside contributing factors, it is literally amazing that people manage to hook up ever. Logic would have you believing that if you are an attractive and interesting person, you will...well, attract and interest people. But this formula is falible; there are always circumstances beyond your control. These circumstances are usually wearing a low cut blouse.
Oh, the Swooper. The scenario is always the same. Dude approaches you, and begins speaking to you. You and Dude are really hitting it off...he's digging your jokes, seems impressed with your passions, and you caught him checking out your ass when you turned around. Everything is going great! Enter the Swooper. She is usually identifiable by her massive amounts of eyeliner and cleavage that defies gravity, but the more dangerous members of the species blend in seamlessly with the rest of us...they don't even look like man stealing sluts! The Swooper's skill lies in her ability to flirt so incredibly hard with Dude, that any attempts to top her moves would result in you looking like a complete asshole. Some of these moves include:
*Dancing so hard on him, his public boner is completely warranted.
*Super gluing herself to his side all night
*Insinuating (or even flat out saying) that he is going to get some play at the end of the night.
*Acting as though he is the most fascinating man since Andy Warhol
*Physical contact including, but certainly not limited to, playing with hair, hand on leg, public make outs
The Swooper offers Dude the exact two things he craves; Unlimited ego stroking, and the possibility of another kind of stroking. You see, your stories about your brief stint in the philharmonic or that time you won a Nobel Prize can't compete with the fact that he's 98% sure she is going to fellate him. Despair not, in normal settings this is usually not the case...but after some advice from his buddy Jose Cuervo, Dude is going to go for the shameless flirt over your subtly sexy smile any day.
I began to wonder...if the method of The Swooper is infinitely more effective than my method of winning them over through slowly revealing my wit and intellect (then sloppily making out with them in an alleyway...a few hours later, naturally) then why in the hell am I sticking to my shitty method? The only reason I can come up with is I would feel like a total asshole. After the initial 5 minutes of feeling like a fat loser because I just got swooped, I think Miss Swoop looks like a complete tool. The overly loud laugh. Her hands shamelessly wondering. And oh, the juking! I literally could not bring myself to use that method, because it is effective for the wrong reasons. I may be missing out on the validation...but I'd rather find one guy who is not shallow or dumb enough to fall for a Swooper than 50 who are turned on by women dancing on them like they're a stripper pole.
At least Ben and Jerry think I'm pretty,
Ivy
No comments:
Post a Comment