In the past year, you can't turn on Lifetime for 5 minutes (not that I do....) without being bombarded with adds urging you to get an HPV vaccination. Something like 105% of people who breathe air are infected, I'm serious, it has made me swear off blowjobs. But did you know there is a more rampant, deadly love related disease out there? If I had more than $2.75 in my wallet, I would purchase hours and hours of Lifetime and Oxygen and even Spike TV airtime warning society about this disease.
You don't even have to have sex to contract it. You can get it just by talking. Lucky for you the illness is confined to a specific breed of men, and I can teach you how to identify them! Oh, emotional whores. They don't sleep around, they emote around. They lie in your bed and hold you while listening to you pour out your feelings on how you wish the Trix Rabbit could get some cereal. They fondle your hopes and aspirations (oddly enough, I named lefty hope and righty aspiration!) And that's just the foreplay. Oh man, by the end of the night they get you so ready to have an emotional climax that you start screaming, "Yes! YES! I DO HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE FUTURE!!! Oh God baby, I need a cigarette."
But like regular old whores, emotional whores will also leave you when the sun rises, and usually with some weird sort of (symbolic) rash. But...wait a minute...isn't emotionally connecting GENERALLY a characteristic of sweet, honest guys? YES. I KNOW. Men have become so advanced in their cruelty that they have discovered a way to mimic the exact behavior of Mr. Right and morph into Mr. Right For Tonight. These tells aren't foolproof, but I've been emotionally infected enough to have picked up on some safety tips:
*It may seem like a good thing if there are no awkward pauses. FALSE. That means he is not nervous. If he is not nervous, he is not being sincere. When you meet someone new and amazing, you should be filled with anxiety ...not stringing together pure conversational poetry.
*He makes future plans with you. I know, I know, this seems like a nice gesture...he is outwardly saying he would like to see you in the future. The confusing truth is if he actually wanted to see you in the future, he would be way too apprehensive to straight up ask you right then and there. Also, think about it...if he's making big decisions like "we should go to this expensive restaurant" before you two even know each other that well, he ain't got nothing on the line. He don't really care. Enough slang now.
*He gives you the perfect amount of eye contact, and knows the exact right moment to kiss you. Red lights, come on now, no need for explanation.
*He's very understanding when you don't have sex with him. Too understanding, as in you can't even see a pang of disappointment in his face. I'm not saying the guy needs to be date raping you to be really into you, but if he doesn't care at all that you're not having sex, then he doesn't care at all.
*He says he likes you. He says he wants things to go further, or asks if you want things to go further. If he were into you, he'd have to actually THINK about this for more than a night. Also, he'd be too afraid of rejection to just say it flat out. You could respond, "No I think you're fat and hideous" and trust me...Emo Whore would shrug it off.
I hope my public service announcement was a little useful. Unfortunately you can't just take some penicillan if you happen to have unprotected emoting with a feelings slut. There's only one cure...eat some ice cream, accept that some people are just lying jerks, and continue onward with your quest for the sincere.
Urging you to protect yourself!
Ivy
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