Everyone out there right now knows which dreaded holiday is coming up. Fittingly, after Friday the 13th, we will experience the Hallmark-created, ultimate ulcer inducing holiday...St. Valentine's Day. Ah, yes. Part of me wants to argue against celebrating it, simply because I'm an agnostic. Oh, but the lovely little day is there alright, just around the corner.

Bitching to a friend the other day, I exasperatedly questioned, "Why do couples get a whole fucking day? There needs to be a day where single people can just go out and have a good time and hook up with hot strangers."

"Ivy...That's called Thursday through Saturday. Monday through Saturday for you."

Oh, yeah. That's right. But I don't find any comfort in that, largely because I don't find comfort in anything. But the fact is, I don't understand why every holiday has been made to be miserable for single people. It's a conspiracy against all of us.

*Christmas is depressing because it's a time of ice skating, cocoa by the fire, and eskimo kisses in the snow...all of which are either impossible or unsatisfying by yourself. Also, couples buy each other fucking extravagant gifts they can't afford, and then coo over how thoughtful it was of their significant other to remember how much they like diamonds. EVERYONE likes diamonds, goddamn't.
*Thanksgiving sucks because that's when my lousy bastard family gathers me in a room and asks when I'm going to find a husband. I'm actually now convinced that the purpose of the holiday is not to give thanks, but rather discuss the various I'm going to die alone.
*Halloween. Couples costumes. Enough said.
*New Year's Eve...no midnight kiss? Ring in your new year with mild depression and an entire pizza! Or, if you're me, ring in your new year kissing your homosexual best friend, 2 girls, and some dudes from Decatur who met in Boy Scouts.

And then there's the mother load. Valentine's Day. The day literally designed to discriminate against anyone who is not in a couple. I actually consider this day a form of prejudice. It is the same as me creating a super fun holiday with chocolates and flowers and stuffed animals and then saying, "Okay this holiday is for EVERYONE...except Asians!" (Nothing against Asians, they just seem to take mockingly racist comments better than everyone else). At this point I'm not sure whether I should be feeling badly for myself, or starting a revolution.

So, no, it is not enough that as a single I have the right to indiscriminately mack on strangers 365 days a year. I literally want a day where couples have to feel badly about themselves for some reason. Am I being irrational? How? I just named 5 days where single people are forced by society to hate themselves. I'd say I plan on making a new holiday where all coupled people are forced into a day of silence where they have to sit and seriously think about the injustices they are doing to society. But let's just say that I am a better person than that. And by better person, I mean lazy.

At least we still have St. Patrick's Day...

Ivy