I thought you were better than that, Ally

Now my dear friend Ally, who is the type of girl who considers her night tame if she’s only made out with three guys, tells me that she has developed a crush. A crush so intense that he is the only boy she has kissed in three entire weeks. Three weeks, in serial dater terms, is roughly equivalent to four and a half years of dating. So I had to ask the following:
*Is this guy an incredible fucking kisser?- No. He’s about average
*Is he amazingly attractive?- Yes he is really really really cute. So cute, seriously.
*Well what’s his personality like?- I wouldn’t really know. We only hang out drunk.
Oh boy. The major pitfall of every single potential relationship. See, we assume that the drunken hook up is the perfect precursor to the sober relationship. Yet statistics show that this happens only about 10 percent of the time. And by statistics, I mean I’m guessing this only happens about 10% of the time, and that is being generous. We assume that we’ll get drunk and make out a few times, and then curiosity will get the best of them. They’ll want to know what we’re like sober. They’ll want to know if that intensely hot kisser who is sloppily mounting them in the elevator also has a witty, intellectual side.
Now I’m not suggesting that the reason they don’t try to take things further is because all men are drooling perverted scum. It’s not a male thing. It’s a human thing. We always, always want the easier way. So if a guy can get to hang out with you and make out with you, without the awkwardness of the first date or having to meet your scary dad, guess what. That’s what he’s going to do.
Well guess what, women aren’t much better. Face it, we’ve grown to hate dating too. If I could pregame all of my dates without that being considered alcoholism, God, I would do it. Ally best summed it up very frankly admitting, “I’m afraid to actually hang out when I can fully comprehend what’s going on.” Because we’re less hilarious and outgoing when we’re sober. Because when we’re sober, we recognize that not everything our date says is clever and hysterical and profound. Whereas when I’m drunk he can say the word “muffin” and knock me off my feet.
I’ve also completely forgotten what is acceptable in terms of an actual relationship. When I have liquid courage to blame for any of the awkward things I might say or do, what’s there to worry about? But on actual dates, oh my GOD, there are too many factors to consider. Am I dressed up enough, am I too dressed up? Should I act excited, or cool? Should I eat three bites of food so that he thinks I’m health conscious, or chow down a 15 oz steak so that he thinks I’m an eater with a naturally slim figure? Okay, I can’t take it, I’m cancelling.
Now I’m also not saying that your drunken hook up can never mean anything more. I’m not telling you that you have to start meeting guys at the library or through friends like decent people. Because I’m not decent, nor do I believe anyone should be. I’m not going to lecture you on that, because I am realistic, and I understand that it is damn easy for people to meet at the bar. Of course with a little social lubricant in a setting where it is perfectly acceptable to do so, you’re more likely to get hit on. I don’t care how many people tell you that they met their boyfriend in the library. They’re lying, it doesn’t happen. No one has ever walked up to someone at the library and said “I couldn’t help but notice you were looking at me,” unless they are a COMPLETELY overconfident douchebag. And if that happened, how the hell would you even react? Admit it. You’d think it was weird, and get scared.
But let’s not be naïve. If you’re not making him work a little, he ain’t gonna. And that’s not being a jerk, that’s just smart. Because if you could get away with dating without ever giving a blowjob, you would. That is the equivalent. That being said, it will take a little more finesse to convince Johnny Random to buy you dinner. The first option, which takes the most self control, is pick up a guy. Don’t hook up. We all know the natural chain of events is Johnny Random comes up and says some variation of “Hi. I want to talk to you solely based on the fact that you’re really good looking.” Then he gets you a drink, and you guys talk. And sometimes the conversation is painstaking, and you suddenly have to go to the bathroom/have a cigarette/take your friend home. But sometimes he is funny and interesting and has a damn great smile, so you continue talking all night. And then you both shamelessly and sloppily make out with each other while slurring “wow you’re such a good kisser!” over and over.
Well guess what. The last part doesn’t have to happen. Just because a guy spends a few hours and $6.50 on you doesn’t mean you have to go home with him. You can end it at the good conversation, and give him your number. If he was intrigued enough, he’ll call you to hang out. If he was just looking for a good time, well, he won’t call. But you shouldn’t feel bad. All it says is that you two were looking for very different things, and damn’t, that’s okay too.
Now what happens when you two have already drunkenly hooked up? And now he calls, but it’s usually around 10:30 pm Thursday through Saturday. Now I know when you’ve had your share of liquid horny it’s hard to turn down a hook up opportunity, especially a comfortable and familiar hook up opportunity. But trust me. You need to become suddenly busy. If he texts you on Saturday night, text back saying “I’m doing a girls night tonight, but we should meet up tomorrow afternoon. Give me a call if you’re free.” There. Easy. And if he thinks THAT is clingy, I’d hate to break it to you, but he was never going to be any semblance of relationship material.
Okay, now, what if you’ve both become so accustomed to drunkenly macking it that the idea of a sober date gives you hives? Well, don’t make it a date.
The key is stepping slightly out of your comfort zone. Do you need a fucking pep talk? Okay, here goes, Ally. You’re a really cool person. You are, in fact, funnier and more intelligent when you’re not destroying your brain cells. You’re also still very pretty when he’s sober. And guys are not big, scary jerks who suddenly abscond the second they smell the hint of a relationship. Well not all of them anyways. What it really boils down to is honesty. Be honest with yourself if you want more, and for God’s sake, be honest with him if you want more. No one likes a liar.
I’m sorry, I think I just gave some advice. You know what? Don’t take it. I’m probably wrong.

Shaking her head at you,

Ivy