When I sat down to write this entry, I think I wrote the first sentence like six times and all of them made me sound like a horrible person.  So I’m here to tell you that even though I complain about guys. A lot. I do things wrong too every once in a while.

 

Take me and Chris, for example.  We drunkenly made out once, which in my mind meant he wanted to date me.  Apparently that was not the case.  I thought that cute little comments and him calling me after he told me to call were signs that things were heading in the right direction.  They weren’t.  So one night when I was certain he’d be coming home with me, I was very wrong; and after a series of events that I don’t want to talk about (Ivy I will never write about it) I ended up going home alone.  Now, being the mature person I am, I complained to Ivy that I would not be seeing him for an event- mainly because I wanted him to see my cute outfit.  It was really cute. And she bluntly asked, “And WHY are we still searching for his approval?”  My response was simple, “Because we have the same group of friends and I have to see him a lot.  And every time I do, it reminds me that I failed, and I have to succeed.”

 

Yes, I am aware how bitchy and into myself that makes me sound.  But you know what, I’m standing by it.  I don’t like getting rejected. I want to be the rejecter.  Really though, can you blame me?  Ivy told me that I should write about how I constantly feel the need to reject people first, or the fact that I try to make them like me again, and then reject them.  Why do I do it? Because it’s a hell of a lot easier to pretend that things didn’t work out because you didn’t want them too- even if deep down you knew it wouldn’t have gone anywhere to begin with.  I mean, what would make you feel better? Thinking, “I didn’t really like him that much so I stopped talking to him” or “He didn’t like me so things didn’t work out.”  I realize its all a big lie, but you know what, I can live with it.  I think in my many years of serial dating, this was the first time I was flat out rejected (Or at least the first time I wasn’t too drunk and forgot). 

 

Now, being rejected and being screwed over are two very, very different things.  I’m used to dealing with being screwed over. That’s easy. Just write the guy off as an ass, eat some ice cream, and find a rebound make out.  But getting rejected is a whole different ball game.  After this you go through the “why didn’t he like me” phase and all your insecurities escalate.  “Am I too fat?” “Am I not pretty enough? Not funny enough? Not smart enough?” “Do I really just suck as a person when I’m drinking?” “Maybe I’m not interesting.” And that’s just in the first two minutes after it happens.  It’s even worse when you’re in a situation when you will continue to see them because every time you do, it’s a reminder that he wasn’t into you.

 

As much as it sucks, I think it’s important that I remember one thing: all those guys that I turned down or led on and dumped because I was too afraid of getting hurt first.  And to all of you (well, most) I’m sorry.  It’s a horribly shitty feeling.  And maybe this is why the cute boy in my class or the cute, nice, funny boy in the bar that I talk to but don’t hook up with won’t ask me out. Because THEY’RE afraid of getting rejected because people like me do it before it happens to us.  (Or they don’t want to, but it’s not like I’m going to admit it. You should know that by now.) 

 

I’d like to say that this was a humbling experience and I’ve learned from it and now will consciously be more careful, but realistically, it’s probably the opposite.  I know how sucky it is to be rejected and don’t want it to happen again. Ever.  In fact, I STILL want Chris to hang out with me so he can see how charming and cute and funny I can be- when I’m talking to every other boy.  It’s dumb and probably a little twisted, but oh well, he made me sad.  I probably will feel a little bad the next time I turn someone down, but I know it’s going to happen.  And realistically, I’ll be rejected again soon.  But then I can write a post about that guy and make him out to be a jerk anyway….

 

Learning that Karma’s a bitch….

Ally