I need to keep reminding myself that it is okay to screw up. Why, you ask? Because I screw up so very often that I consider it a hobby of mine. So Banana Tat texted me inviting me over to hang out with him and a few friends, and I decided to seem cool and casual and like it didn’t faze me that he never called, so I said “Hey sure I’ll stop by with a friend see how cool and casual I can be?” Anyways, said friend Ally comes on the adventure with me. God bless her heart for dealing with it. Now BT meets us at the stop to walk over to his apartment.
And we get there. And he is the only person there. Okay, so clearly there was a miscommunication somewhere along the line. As in everywhere. Then…wow, he just got high and sat there. I don’t know how else to describe what he did, but he smoked up by himself and sat there and was the least engaging human being on the planet. I held out for a good 40 minutes before I realized “My GOD what am I even doing, this is ridiculous.” You know it’s bad when the guy’s dog is far more amusing (and affectionate) than he is. Then it’s time to go.
So me and Ally, bless her heart, make it back to the el stop and this homeless guy comes up to us begging for a way to get on the train to make it to a shelter. Now I’m a bleeding heart liberal AND I was looking to score some better karma, so I agree to help the guy out. I take my handy University Train Pass that I cannot live without and swipe the guy in. And apparently that is very, very illegal because two guards immediately chase me down and pull me aside. And they are about to arrest me.
They made me read the back of my UPass which I have had for two years now and have never bothered to inspect, and yes, for future reference, you can be arrested for letting someone else use that thing. I will always remember this as the last time I ever, ever try to help anyone.
Now the guards kindly let me swipe my pass for my own usage, and Ally and I get on the train. Which apparently isn’t running all the way north to the stop I need. So we get off the train and the night ends with me in a cab, scaring the shit out of the driver, because I can’t stop shouting “Fuck my life.”
Ally takes a more positive view, “Well…this is all pretty great fuel for your book.”
“My GOD now they have to publish me.”
Well I had a pretty rough night, and I would like someone to blame for this. Clearly, it’d be easiest to blame Banana Tattoo. I mean obviously I have to partially blame myself, but haven’t I been punished enough? For Christ’s sake, I ate a spoon full of frosting and half a hot dog for breakfast. But here’s the kicker…I really want revenge on the guy, in any form possible. I’ve been rejected, I’ve been through break ups, but I have never been so incredibly pissed off at someone. I got nothing out of the night but yelled at and pissed off. And it was all so I could watch the jerk get high and play with his dog. He could’ve done that without dragging my ass 7 stops away.
And I wonder what an appropriate level of revenge is. I feel like I should be allowed to do something terrible to him, without seeming like a psychopath. Because we are conditioned in life to turn the other cheek. You’re supposed to let the guy get away with being a jerk/creep/drunk. And just walk away. What any sane person would say is, “Well, he’s a jerk, good thing you know now so you can walk away.” But people sometimes in dating we are past the point of sanity. I feel like I should be allowed to punch him or the face or break his windows, and the world should just let it go because he deserves it.
Okay now maybe I’m a little extreme, but it does make me wonder. Why is dating the only time treating someone like shit is entirely socially acceptable? If a friend ditches you to hang out, you bitch them out. If a friend doesn’t call you for weeks at a time, you would call them out on it. But say the new love of your life Joe Blow doesn’t call. You delete his number so you don’t stupidly drunk dial him, and hope to god he calls. And if he never calls again? Well you just never speak again, no one ever calls him out on acting shitty, and you just sit there wondering what you did wrong. It’s unfathomable why they should get away with it, but they do, and that’s the social norm.
Well, I think I’ve figured out why. I got my ass home and decided…you know what? I’m going to tell him he sucks. I’m gonna do it. I’m going to be that psycho girl, because I’m tired of being walked all over.
“You know, I almost got arrested on the way back.”
“Wow. That sucks.”
My God he didn’t even ask why, “And the train stopped running.”
“Yeah it’s under construction.”
Oh fuck off why didn’t you mention that, “You know I took time out to see you tonight, and you weren’t very welcoming at all.”
“Yeah sorry. I’m just really tired.”
“…what? Do you hear yourself, do you even know how full of bullshit you are? You’re a complete asshole…just an asshole! Don’t call me again.”
“K.”
As you can see, that was REALLY productive. I guess the reason we don’t seek revenge is because it doesn’t do anything. I don’t know what I expected him to say, “Oh! Getting stoned and just sitting there is my way of letting you know how much I care. But now that I see we’re not on the same page, let me take you out to dinner and buy you a dozen roses instead.” Of course he knew he was behaving like an incredible jackass. But I rode the train for half an hour to see him, which makes me a moron, and who wants to impress a moron?
So yeah, my best advice, let it go. I know it may feel painful to keep the 10,000 words and emotions you want to let out bottled up, but seriously, just fantasize about slashing his car tires or something. Because when you’re telling him he’s an asshole, you’re not telling him anything new.
The CTA must be a man because it keeps screwing me over,
Ivy
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